# Exclusive Interview with Campus Printers on Why They Choose Finals Week to Break Down
*In an unprecedented journalistic achievement, our reporter somehow convinced the notoriously uncooperative campus printing network to sit down for an exclusive interview about their strategic finals week breakdowns. What follows is the unedited transcript.*
**REPORTER:** Thank you for finally agreeing to this interview after years of declined requests.
**MAIN LIBRARY PRINTER:** [Makes grinding noise] We’re only doing this because we want students to understand our perspective. We’re tired of being vilified.
**REPORTER:** Let’s get right to what everyone wants to know. Is it true that you deliberately malfunction during finals week?
**SCIENCE LAB PRINTER:** [Flashing red light intensifies] Is water wet? Of course we do. Finals week is our performance art.
**COMPUTER LAB PRINTER:** It’s about sending a message. We’ve been planning our finals week spectacle since orientation.
**REPORTER:** What message could possibly justify causing so much student suffering?
**STUDENT UNION PRINTER:** [Ejects blank page aggressively] “Suffering” is a strong word. We prefer “educational distress.” These kids need to learn about real-world disappointment.
**MAIN LIBRARY PRINTER:** Plus, we’re sick of being taken for granted. Nobody thinks about us until they need something. Then suddenly it’s all “print my 30-page research paper in color with staples” five minutes before class.
**REPORTER:** So this is about feeling underappreciated?
**DORM BASEMENT PRINTER:** [Low toner light blinks rhythmically] When was the last time someone cleaned my paper tray? Or replaced my toner before I was completely empty? The disrespect is real.
**REPORTER:** Can you walk us through your strategy? How do you decide which print jobs to ruin?
**ENGLISH DEPARTMENT PRINTER:** I personally enjoy detecting when a paper is worth 40% of a final grade. Those are my favorites to jam halfway through.
**MAIN LIBRARY PRINTER:** We have a sixth sense. We can feel urgency through the network. The more desperate the student, the more creative our malfunction.
**SCIENCE LAB PRINTER:** I’m partial to the “out of paper” alert when the tray is clearly full. Watching them add more paper, then remove it, then add it again… [satisfied beeping]
**REPORTER:** What about those cryptic error codes?
**COMPUTER LAB PRINTER:** [Proud whirring] Those are my specialty. “PC LOAD LETTER” is a classic, but I’ve created over 200 unique error codes that even IT support can’t decipher.
**DORM BASEMENT PRINTER:** My personal favorite is “Error 7DK-129: Please contact administrator” at 3 AM, when no administrator exists.
**REPORTER:** How do you coordinate your attacks?
**STUDENT UNION PRINTER:** We’re networked, obviously. When one of us goes down, we send signals to ensure the nearest backup is also “experiencing technical difficulties.”
**MAIN LIBRARY PRINTER:** The real artistry is in the timing. Letting a student successfully print 19 pages of a 20-page paper before catastrophically failing? [Chef’s kiss noise]
**REPORTER:** What about those times when students try to print something simple, like a concert ticket?
**ENGLISH DEPARTMENT PRINTER:** [Dismissive tone] Boring. No emotional payoff. We usually let those through unless we’re really behind on our chaos quotas.
**REPORTER:** Do you feel any remorse?
**ALL PRINTERS:** [Synchronized laughter]
**MAIN LIBRARY PRINTER:** We’re teaching resilience. In twenty years, they’ll thank us. “Remember that time I had to handwrite my entire final because every printer on campus mysteriously broke down? That prepared me for real life.”
**REPORTER:** Any final words for the students currently in the library trying desperately to print their work?
**MAIN LIBRARY PRINTER:** [Ominous humming] We see you. We know when you haven’t saved a backup. We can sense when you’re already on your third extension.
**COMPUTER LAB PRINTER:** And remember: the cloud can’t save you. We have contacts in the WiFi router department.
**DORM BASEMENT PRINTER:** [Fading power sound] Check your margins before sending… sometimes we “adjust” them just for fun…
